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hooplove So, I’m sitting here at work, basically just trying to keep myself sane until 5pm, when I decide it’s definitely time for a blog update. My poor bloggy has been so neglected, sometimes I think I should just give it up and hit the delete button, but then I remember all the really good stuff I’ve written here and I just can’t bring myself to do it. I tell myself that I’ll get better, and post more often, but as they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and apparently so is the internets. Good intentions and porn.

Things have not really changed too much since my last post. I’m still struggling in a job I can now say that I honestly hate. It’s not the position at all-I love my role as a receptionist. It’s actually what’s going on within the restructuring of the company as well as the behind the scenes drama-rama that’s just making everyone insane. It’s only getting worse with each day. Needless to say, I am looking for another job-no big surprise there, right?

I think I’d like to do something a lot less receptionist-y, and maybe more administrative. I have mad admin skillz! *sillygrin* I’d also really enjoy something in which I could actually use my college degrees-maybe editing or proofreading?

Of course, if I won the lottery and became a multimillionaire, this would all be a moot point and I’d be writing blog updates from Cabo, so maybe I should just better start working on that!

My dad is doing well, though we’ve been told he’s reaching the end of his physical therapies and will need to be moved to a permanent, semi-private room soon. He’s no longer a candidate for assisted living as he is still very impulsive about his decisions and is not very ambulatory by himself. What this means of course, is we’ll now have to switch to private pay and begin the whole process for applying to Medicaid. What a pain in the ass.

I just began another bellydancing session with Michelle at The Goddess Hour. Loves it! I’ve also been working a lot on my hoopdancing with the help of online tutorials and I found a wicked awesome online hoop community, Safire Dance, through Safire’s youtube hooping tutorials. I’m not brave enough yet to post my own hoop video-I fear I still look like a seizure victim at times and I’ve not lost that “learning a new trick” face of utter concentration. When I’m more confident in my skills and flow, I will definitely post some vids!

I have some new pics to post too, which I’ll try to do either tonight or sometime soon.

Smoochies!
~TC

beagley So, I’ve been trying to write a blog post for days now, but nothing’s coming. The problem is not that there’s nothing going on. The problem is that there’s too much going on and honestly, where do I freaking begin?

Some stuff I can’t discuss, namely the stuff at work. Work is completely ridiculous right now. Things are happening in upper management that are just drastically changing the face of how my company has always done things. Employees are nervous, scared, confused, upset, frustrated, angry—you name it. There is very little communication. Couple all of that with what’s going on with the economy and you have a pretty good idea of the chaotic mess we face daily. Not good.

Dad had quadruple bypass surgery 10 days ago at Rochester General and is doing great! He was discharged this past Monday and is happy to be back at the nursing home. I’m still having a really hard time balancing all this Dad stuff. It takes so much time from not just me, but Craig too. Finances, appointments, visits, needs, wants—it is definately alot. And then dealing with his sister, who’s been such a huge bitch, is just another headache. She called on Sunday around 7 or 8pm, the night before he was discharged, telling me she and her family were coming for a visit this coming weekend from PA & MD. Several times, I very patiently explained why I thought this was not a good idea. He’s just getting discharged, he needs recovery time, he will be very tired and not really up for an extended visit. She told me in no uncertain terms that she comes “now or not at all.” She also was intent on asking wildly inappropriate questions, such as how we’re paying for his care. *shakes her head*

She doesn’t understand. This is not about her. It’s about him. Let the man have some recovery time for crying out loud, before you come blasting your way up here, expecting all day visits. Saying you’re coming now or not at all, doesn’t punish me, it punishes him. I could give a shit whether you came or not. In fact, it would be one less headache for me if you stayed home. And it is absolutely none of her business how we’re paying for anything! Of course, I said none of this to her in the spirit of niceness, getting along and respecting one’s elders.

She didn’t hear a word I said the entire conversation, but rather competed by talking over me. Just like my dad does. I just let her do it. She was rude and classless, and bullied me for information, while I was nice to the Nth degree and tolerant, oh so tolerant. At the end of the conversation, I was left with the impression that she will do whatever the hell she wants to do, regardless. I think she thinks I am deterring her visit because she believes I’m hiding something from her and so now she’ll be more determined than ever to get up here this weekend. Grrrrrr. Let the poor man have some rest!!!!

I feel stressed. I feel like I have no control over my life. I feel like my life really isn’t even my own any more. It sucks. THIS SUCKS. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There is some good stuff though. *sparklygrin* I’m enrolled in bellydance classes again-actually my 8 week course is almost over and it’s nearly time to sign up again. I took a hoopdance class as well this time around and absolutely loved it. I’m completely hooked now. As soon as my instructor posts her new class schedule, I’ll be signing up again for that as well and bringing a friend or two with me.

Thanks to Facebook, I’m back in touch with my cousin John (from my mom’s side) *grinwavies* as well as a few other people I’d kinda lost track of. Yay! I heart Facebook.

We saw Fleetwood Mac in March and had mad awesome seats!!!! Craig had gotten us tickets for my birthday the day they had gone on sale. Then a couple weeks before the concert, I won two more tickets, also pretty great seats, and gave those to a friend of mine and her boyfriend. It was such an AWESOME show. I loved it!!!!!! And I was sooo sad when it was over-I didn’t want it to ever end. Lindsay, Stevie and Mick all looked fantastic and performed as though they enjoyed every second of it. It was a magical night!

The nice weather is slowly starting to get here. Yay! I’m excited about doing gardening and flowers and vegetables again this year.

My inlaws are moving back to this area from TN. They close on their new house in May, so that’s pretty exciting. We’ll be glad to have them back.

I’m rereading the entire Laurell K. Hamilton “Anita Blake” collection and so I haven’t really read anything new, so to speak, in awhile. I’m on the 14th one right now-“Danse Macabre.” These later books are so full of the ardeur-it sometimes gets a little tiring, but I do still enjoy them. Once, I’m done with those, I wanna reread Charlaine Harris’ “Sookie Stackhouse” series, hopefully before the new season of True Blood starts! *happysigh* I lovelovelove that show. That alone is worth the cost of HBO, not to mention the Tudors and Big Love and all the other great series.

I’m also addicted to The United States of Tara on Showtime.

I guess that’s about it for now. Happy Hump Day! We’re almost to the weekend-yay! Now, if I can just make it though the rest of the day…..

Smoochies,
~TC

thoughtfulfae.jpg My father has worn wingtips his entire life, or at least as long as I have known him. He had wingtips he would wear to the office, and shiny, flashy wingtips he would wear for a night out. He would wear a pair of old battered wingtips to putter around in the yard or to take a walk or a bike ride. He always wore dress slacks or work slacks as well, with the constant button down collared shirt. No shorts, jeans, or sweatshirts for my dad. I’m not sure why he was so opposed to wearing casual, comfortable clothes however I can speculate that maybe his style of dress was simply a reflection of how he felt inside, and how he viewed the outside world around him.

Recently, my dad has begun wearing sneakers, as they are required during his physical therapy. His therapists had me buy a size larger than what he had requested because, come to find out, he had been wearing the wrong size his entire adult life. The size I got him was perfect and for the first time in his life, my dad was wearing comfortable shoes in the correct fit. Even now, weeks later, he seems always amazed at how comfortable they are and how good his feet feel.

Last night at the hospital, I had an opportunity to see my dad’s bare feet as they stuck out from beneath his covers when the nurse asked him to wiggle his toes. His feet are deformed and knotty looking from years and years of stuffing his feet into too small a shoe size. They look painfully awful and I can’t help but think how sad it is, that he’s lived his whole life this way.

In fact, his feet are kind of an analogy for how he’s lived his whole life. Uncomfortable with himself, I think, and with others around him, he used formality as a type of wall to close himself off from the world. He would rather live pinched and uncomfortable than open himself up to things he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand. Maybe he feels that by doing without any luxuries or comfort, and suffering silently on a daily basis, that that somehow makes him better than everyone else, stronger, more resilient.

We all end up at the same place eventually. Time has a way of creeping up on us. It’s difficult for me to understand my dad and his quirks and eccentricities, and I have long given up trying to “help” him see another side of things. Now, I smile and make small talk, and bite back the remarks that might argue or upset. We have never had a bond or a connection, we have never had an in-depth conversation, and perhaps it for this very reason. It pleases me though now to know that at the very least I was able to give my dad a comfortable pair of shoes.

Smoochies,
~TC

Where I’ve Been

oneday I know, I know. I start posting again only to just disappear without a warning. Didn’t you know that dropping off the face of the earth is one of my best things? Really. It’s true.

Actually, I had intended to just step away for a few days to enjoy the holidays, but as is the tradition in our family, drama-rama happens.

The Saturday after Xmas, we found our water heater had been dying a slow and agonizing death in the basement, probably for several days, as the basement floor was covered in a few inches of water. Luckily, we have a guy and he was able to come over pretty quickly to help take care of things. Craig and Bob popped over to Home Depot, picked up a new water heater, and within a matter of hours, we were all good.

That following Monday I got a call at work from my dad’s neighbor that the ambulance was there and my dad was on his way to the hospital. They weren’t sure what was wrong, other than he had fallen and cut his finger pretty badly. Turns out he had had a heart attack and a stroke, and had fallen twice, dislocating his shoulder as well as lacerating a finger pretty badly. I had taken Wednesday and Friday off to take advantage of the scheduled holiday, and so instead of enjoying a small vacation, I ended up driving in a panic down to Utica to care for my dad. I’ve been going down every weekend since.

His shoulder has been repaired and he’s had a pacemaker put in. He’s now in a stroke recovery facility where he will stay for about six weeks. After that it’s back to the hospital for a bypass. He’s in pretty good spirits for the most part, and seems a lot better since they’ve installed the pacemaker. He has none of the facial lameness that typically accompanies a stroke, though he does have some speech slurring and he’s having issues walking and keeping his balance.

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally just spent. I’m bummed because I have all these things I want to accomplish this year and I haven’t really been able to focus on anything except my dad and just getting through each day.

Prior to this happening, I was doing really well with eating healthy foods, counting my cals and exercising when I could. I’d lost quite a big chunk of weight and felt crazy motivated. That has all fallen to the wayside at this point, and I’m struggling to find my focus again. I’m really disappointed in myself, though I am not giving up the fight!

On the flip side, with all of this stress, I, surprisingly, am not flaring!!! Yay, Orencia!!!! It’s finally kicked in! *knocks on wood* I’ve even been walking about barefoot, something I could never do before—my feet would hurt too badly. All in all, I’m experiencing very little to no joint pain & swelling. I’m really excited and hope it continues! Kick-ass!!

I will try to post more often now that things are finally settling down a bit. I reallyreally need to get back to where I was before the holidays. I miss me. Oh, and I had a crappy birthday. So did my Dad.

Smoochies,
~TC

omg-rudolphI love this time of year, and I love Christmas music! It only seemed right to throw together a playlist of some of my favs, so that you might take a listen too!

Do you hear what I hear? *g*

Check it out on Rhapsody here!

  • Suzy Snowflake – (with Tony Mottola & His Orchestra) Rosemary Clooney
  • I Saw Three Ships – Sting
  • A Marshmallow World – Dean Martin
  • Carol Of The Bells – Straight No Chaser
  • The Holly & The Ivy – Mediaeval Baebes
  • The Christmas Waltz – Kristin Chenoweth
  • Sleighride – Harry Connick, Jr.
  • Gettin’ In The Mood (For Christmas) – The Brian Setzer Orchestra
  • God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – Barenaked Ladies
  • Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – Jewel
  • River -Joni Mitchell
  • 2000 Miles – Pretenders
  • Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses
  • All That I Want – The Weepies
  • The Christmas Song – The Raveonettes
  • Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Sarah McLachlan

I had the opportunity to chitchat at length this morning with a certain older gentleman as he waited in my lobby to speak with another employee. He talked of how hard this year had been for him, as he had lost his lady friend to Rheumatoid Arthritis. It had spread to her heart and lungs.

Granted, she was an elderly woman, but still it stuck with me and also made me remember the mother of an online friend I once was close to. She had also succumbed to RA, but died when she was still young, in her thirties or forties. Right around my age.

Death really freaks me out. I don’t want to die, now, or later, or ever, actually.

I can’t think of dying for any length of time or I’ll send myself straight into a panic attack. My throat tightens, my heart races, my head hurts, I feel nauseous and dizzy. If I get caught up in that sort of thought stream, I usually try to get myself to focus on other things, and will put something funny on TV or find someone to talk to about something completely different.

I want to talk honestly now, though, about what it means to me to have this stupid disease.

Usually, it’s just a painful inconvenience that I deal with to some greater or lesser extent every day. I don’t really think about what the future may hold twenty years down the road. Craig and I have both assumed that at some point, I will probably have more limited mobility, but it never really occurs to me to think that the RA could at some point end my life.

Thinking about it now, doesn’t even seem real. It feels at once very personal, and yet impersonal at the same time, as though I’m watching it all from the outside. It really scares me, and yet, I just can’t believe that it could happen to me. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to curl up in a ball under some soft blankets and just sob.

I don’t want to give up.

I don’t want to give up because I also want to laugh, I want to love, and I want to live. I want to dance and I want to sing. I want to spend quiet times with those I love and I want to be boisterously, obnoxiously happy. Every day.

I will fight. I will not go gentle into that good night. I will kick and scream every step of the way.

I will take my meds. I will eat healthy, and I will exercise, even when it’s a struggle or a temptation to do otherwise. I will treat my body, my vehicle on this earthly plane, as the temple it truly is. I will be good to myself.

I will not give up.
~TC

…so says my hubby.

There’s nothing quite like coming home after a hard day’s work to find cat vomit on the bed. Even though we have the four, it’s pretty easy to figure out who exactly the culprit is. Willow.

If Willow were a person, she would be Rosie Perez. She’s got that whole ghetto superstar thing down. She’s a little psychotic, a bit neurotic, and a whole lot of bitchy.

She doesn’t like her long fur. She would rather be naked, and when we get her shaved down in a lion cut, she prances around like she just knows she’s the shit. We haven’t taken her to the groomer’s in awhile, so she’s taken the task on herself of eliminating her fur by pulling it out in mouthfuls here and there as part of her daily cleaning routine. This explains the hairballs.

Willow spends probably 95% of her time on the bed. She only gets down to eat and to use the potty. She likes to sleep. When she’s not sleeping on the bed, she’s “monitoring the situation.”

Regardless, puke on the bed means more laundry for me, and I was almost caught up, darn it. So after throwing a couple blankets in the wash & towels in the dryer, Craig and I were off to Home Depot to find a solution for another issue. Stupid, inconsiderate neighbors.

Earlier in the year, our dear friends next door sold their home and moved away. The people they sold to, Kim and Mike, are the most inconsiderate, thoughtless people I have ever had the unfortunate opportunity to neighbor with. They are constantly, every day, using our driveway to pull in and out of their own tiny driveway, rather than move one of their own cars so they can get out or drive on their own lawn to back out. All without asking for permission. It’s driving Craig and I insane.

Twice this summer, we’ve come home to find a gigantic woodchipper and dump truck in our runway sized driveway because they’re chopping down trees in their backyard. They have never once asked us if this is ok. I’m sure it never even crossed their minds.

(Maybe I should send them a copy of “Fargo”…?)

It seems pretty cut and dried, doesn’t it? Just ask them to stop using our property? Well, here’s where it gets sticky.

Apparently, there’s several inches of our driveway on their land according to the survey map. It’s been this way forever, and we were told about this before we bought the house. However, with the previous neighbors it was not an issue. They were great friends of ours. They always asked if they needed to use the driveway. It never became a day to day habit.

We’ve looked into correcting this problem in the spring by removing the offending piece of driveway, but according to the town, we would need a lawyer and so would they, we’d need their permission, etc…and it’s apparently not as simple as we had thought it would be. Sounds pretty costly. I dunno. We’re going to look into that more closely.

In the meantime though, it’s inches. Not the whole friggin’ driveway, so stop using it like you own it, bitches.

We thought maybe we’d get those reflector thingees you poke into the ground and just line that side of the driveway with them, but we’d need stands or something because the land on the other side of the driveway belongs to them. I’ve thought maybe of getting some big landscaping rocks, big enough they can’t drive over them, and lining the driveway with those, but Craig is worried about ruining the blacktop with sink marks.

We’ve also talked about just going over there and talking to them about it, but we’re concerned it would backfire on us.

I’m really at my wit’s end with these people. Do you all have any ideas? Please leave a comment! The guy at Home Depot last night suggested a shot gun. *grinchuckle* I’m not sure we’re ready to go quite that far.

Smoochies,
~TC

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