My husband and I are very often asked why we have decided to live our life together childfree. We are white-collar upper middle class college graduates in our mid thirties. We have a 3 bedroom/2 bath house, two cars, and a dog (amongst other pets). We are financially comfortable. For most Americans, we live the “dream,” the only thing missing is the 2.5 kids. In a social situation, and often when meeting people for the first time, one of the questions that does inevitably arise is “How many children do you have?” More often than not, people are taken aback when learning we are childfree. A few almost seem to take it as a personal affront. In this age of pro-natalism, we are definitely in the minority. Speaking only for Craig and I, there are a number of reasons that have played into our decision to be childfree.
Our primary reason for choosing a childfree lifestyle is that I don’t really care for children all that much. Craig shares my sentiments, but in a less adamant way. There are a few exceptions to be found here and there-cute, well-behaved kids who are endearing in their mannerisms and intelligence-but for the most part what we see are children who are ill-behaved & sloppy, with little to no etiquette. While we blame the parents, as it’s obviously how these children are being raised that makes them this way, we also know that giving birth is a crap shoot and you never know what you’re going to get. We’re not willing to take that chance.
Another very important consideration is financial comfort. We realize that having a child is a lifelong commitment, and especially with adult children living at home longer, we are just not excited about indenturing ourselves to a 18 year + financial commitment. Children are expensive, bottom line, and once having a baby, you no longer live for yourself, but for that child. You will do without in order for that child to have, and honestly, we are just too selfish to do that. We enjoy our “toys” and vacations. We enjoy being able to do what we want, when we want to do it, and quite frankly, we enjoy living comfortably. We realize if kids were involved, we would not be able to live so extravagantly and we’re not willing to give that up: to us, having a child is simply not worth it. We’re not willing to sacrifice our lifestyle-we enjoy it too much.
Enjoying our lifestyle goes hand in hand with the joy that we find in each other. My husband and I are closely bonded; we are soul-mates, and very much in love. We feel that having a child might destroy that closeness. We’ve seen a lot of other couples with children who are now more “Mom & Dad” than they are husband & wife. We’ve also been told quite frequently by parents we know that given the chance to do it over again, they wouldn’t. We cherish what we have together, it’s the most important thing in the world to us, and we just don’t think there’s a place for a child. We would never risk our relationship on such a non-priority.
My health, being what it is, would also be a considering factor, had we actually wanted children. Rheumatoid Arthritis is believed to be genetic, and I wouldn’t want to pass that along to someone else. I’m on several hardcore drugs for this lifelong disease that I would have to stop prior to becoming pregnant as they can cause severe birth defects, which would mean that as soon as the drugs leeched out of my system, I’d be in severe pain, and have very limited mobility. Though it has been seen in some cases that pregnancy might result in a temporary remission, again I’m not sure I’d be willing to take that chance if I did in fact want kids. If this were the only thing holding us back, I realize adoption would be a wonderful option for us, but then again we’re back to the crap shoot analogy, and not really ever knowing what you’re going to end up with. (Sure, that cute baby boy is sweet now, but what about when he’s sixteen, high on crack, and has just knocked up his girlfriend? How cute & sweet is that? Uh, no thanks.)
Also, while people are entering their first marriages later in life now, and as a result, starting families later in their thirties, Craig & I just don’t see how being an older parent is beneficial to the child or the parent later in life. For example-I’ll be thirty-seven in a matter of months. If I had a child now, I would be 55 or 56 before it graduated high school, add another four years or more on for college, and already, I’m retired and trying to figure out how to supplement for a college education (taking for granted the fact that most of the education would already be paid for with savings). Now imagine if we had two or three children, those younger kids might still be in high school when I’m hitting retirement, and aren’t these supposed to be my “golden years?” Goddess forbid, if one or both parents have health issues that result in death while the kids are still in school, or even in their early twenties. Very traumatizing, not just at that moment, but also in the years to come when certain “rites of passage” occur, such as weddings & births, and that parent is absent. I can honestly say, having older parents myself, that this has had an effect on my whole life. My mom died at the age of 58-I was in my very early twenties. My dad, who will be 80 this January, is the same age as my husband’s grandfather.
To conclude, there are several reasons one would choose to be childfree, each as different & unique as the person they stem from; these are ours. While those living childfree appear to be the minority right now, I believe that our numbers are growing as people are marrying later in life, and as the cost of living rises. I also believe that education plays a large role in choosing to live childfree-those of us who are college educated and have invested time and money into pursuing our goals often choose a career-oriented lifestyle, or a lifestyle that allows enjoyment of the financial success & gains of said career.
~TC
My wife and I are in our early thirties and have two small children. While we both have degrees and work for the same company (and do quite well, actually), it has been difficult to find other couples with interests and attitudes similar to ours. We are both young-looking and young-thinking and are active with our children on the weekends. We don’t see the point of “hanging it up” just because we have a responsibility to raise children. My wife paints, I exercise, play trumpet and write, and we discontinued our account with The Dish because there is truly little-to-nothing worth watching on television.
My point? I ran across this post in my personal research into the world of the child-free. Many of my friends from high school, including my two younger brothers, are still thoroughly enamored with their child-free lifestyle. Having children, I can’t help but feel a bit of distance from them now, as if they view having children as not only unecessary but foolish (a 36-year-old coworker told me that “kids cramp your style”). Demographics-wise, I think that this is a largely Anglo phenomenon in the US, and I think it goes hand-in-hand with the level of education and career development.
OK – the kernal I wish to leave here – why let it all stop with you? Yes, raising children is a struggle. You lose sleep, and your patience is tested its utmost. HOWEVER, were we not raised by the best efforts of our parents to provide us with the values and education that have shaped who we are as adults? What I’m talking about here is the risk factor. My parents took the plunge by having me and my brothers. They worked very hard, and we turned out great (self-sufficient, enlightened, prosperous, contributing to society, etc.). This generation of ours (spoiled beyond the baby-boomers) is under the impression that life is there to live for me (and, in your case, your spouse). Where is the life in not continuing the line? At the end of a purposefully childless life, what have you left in your stead?
The logical end to this is exactly what we’re seeing in our society: the best and the brightest are increasingly reproducing less (thereby reducing the pool) while the ignorant and poor immigrants are having offspring in scads. Who will inherit this country? Mininum wage earners who haven’t read a book since “Where the Red Fern Grows”. Immigrants who couldn’t care less about our country’s history and who stand by, patiently and surely, while the child-free expend their incomes on travel and themselves and eventually die off.
We don’t have a model for this because we haven’t seen major numbers of child-free couples and individuals age past 50 yet (apart from New York and other major metropolitan cities). But it’s happening now in Japan, Germany, Italy and Russia.
I don’t mean to come off as a wet blanket. But I do think you’re missing out on life’s adventure.
“You will do without in order for that child to have, and honestly, we are just too selfish to do that”.
“Life is there to live for me”…yes, it is. As a minor, I couldn’t have much of a life because of parental restrictions, city curfews, drinking laws, etc. (this is, after all, one of the few western countries where teens are treated like 5 year-olds). As a young adult, I have the freedom to live for me, but not the money. If I waste my adult life being chained down with children, when do I get to live for me? When do I get to have my life? When do I get to travel without some brat whining that he wants his Playstation, own the half-dozen dogs I’ve always wanted, just get up and go without having to worry about finding babysitters? I’m not spending the entire first quarter-century of my life sacrificing to make my future happen just so I can give it all up to some child who’ll never appreciate it.
What will I leave in my stead? Hopefully a new addition to American literature, or a new film, or new case law, or all of the above. Maybe help my baby cousins get their education, or will everything to my soon-to-be alma mater so our neglected political science department can get the resources it needs. I can leave a much better, more profound legacy than some kid.
Am I missing out on life’s adventure? For me, life’s adventure means airports, and lots of them. Seeing the Eiffel Tower, singing drinking songs in the beer tents of Oktoberfest, touring the Winter Palace, flying over the waterfalls of Kauai on a helicopter, traveling through the tropical jungles of Malaysia on a small tour boat. That, honey, is life’s adventure. Sitting around the house while toddlers draw on the walls, stain my carpet, torture my dog, annoy the living shiz out of me, and break everything I own isn’t life’s adventure. To me, that’s life’s prison.
“Seeing the Eiffel Tower, singing drinking songs in the beer tents of Oktoberfest, touring the Winter Palace, flying over the waterfalls of Kauai on a helicopter, traveling through the tropical jungles of Malaysia on a small tour boat.”
These may definitely be some of life’s pleasures, but to call these and the like the whole of life’s adventure…no. What you have sweepingly described are vacations, plucked from the pages of Travel Magazine. And you’re not the first to attempt to pigeonhole “real living” into exotic-sounding playdates. Not to deride travel; my wife and I travel often together, alone (kids at the grandparents) and have a list of places we will see some day. We both lived in NYC before we met, and she had travelled the world with her familiy’s business and as a volunteer with special-care adult groups.
“I’m not spending the entire first quarter-century of my life sacrificing to make my future happen just so I can give it all up to some child who’ll never appreciate it.”
Apparently you enjoy your blog, homelife, travel, etc. That is good; some strong indicators that you appreciate your life. And your life was given to you by…? Need I go any further on this?
“I can leave a much better, more profound legacy than some kid.”
This is true – numerous authors, philosophers, architects, composers, etc. throughout our history lived and are living child-free. I cannot argue with that. One only need to look to http://www.childfreebychoice.com/history.htm for the list.
And the sword cuts both ways: Virginia Kelly of Hope, AR was married five times, twice to the same man, and her only son became the 42nd president.
Barbara and President George Herbert Walker Bush also had a son, and he got to be president, too.
But I digress.
“Legacy” is perhaps the sticking point here; the very term, “my profound legacy” is somewhat narcassistic and limiting. My screenplay might be my profound contribution (or just a fat paycheck), but it’s not my legacy. It may be the stay-behind of one facet of my intellectual effort, but not my living legacy. Those (and those of my wife’s) are our two children.
You are your mother’s (insert her full name here) legacy. Like it or not, the seed within you was watered and nurtured by what she gave you (for better or for worse), 24 hours a day until you left home. See? One can leave behind materiel and human legacies; it’s a matter of how hard you want to work.
What I am talking about here is the whole of human experience. Before my wife and I had children, I led one of the most diverse and interesting lives of anyone I know. And I still do. Raising and enjoying children has matured me more as a person than singing with the Houston Grand Opera, starring in a daily-running short film, jumping out of planes in the Army, performing onstage in NYC’s Fringe Festival, volunteering at Ground Zero, deploying to Iraq, or working at CIA and military intelligence.
Not to toot it, but I’m still just as strong as I was in college. I plan to run a marathon this year. My wife, 32, get mistaken for early twenties wherever she goes. We live in a gorgeous house (think Kate Winslet’s cottage in, “The Holiday;” only bright, French, and in a decidous forest) and travel to NYC several times a year (apart from our combined work travel, which takes us everywhere).
I hate playing sides (leave that to AM talk radio). All I wish is to communicate to you that, if you and your husband are as fabulous as you describe yourselves (and I genuinely believe you are), you wouldn’t have the children of other people (i.e. “some brat whining that he wants his Playstation..”). Our children are brilliant, well-adjusted and creative because their parents are. I believe yours would be the same.
In the same breath, if you truly don’t want children, you don’t want them.
I would write more, but my beautiful one-year-old son just woke up and needs me.
Dear Terminallycute,
I am a childfree female and I don’t want children for the same reasons as you. But also, I am worried about the overpopulation and its effect on Earth. I think that nowdays childbearing is an option rather than a duty. A long time ago in the U.S. most people lived on farms and they needed children (many children) to help with the farm. Today, people don’t need children. They choose to have or to not have them.
I pick the latter.
I believe that people should only have kids if they want to and if they can afford to have children. If a person is forced to be a parent, he/she will not be good at raising a child. I know I won’t be a good parent. If someone gave me a child and told me I have to raise it, I would end up neglecting it.
I do not believe that people should have kids in order to benefit the society or to leave a legacy. Childfree people have a better chance of doing something positive for the society than the parents. Childfree people have more time and energy to spend volunteering or pursuing advanced degrees, doing research, publishing books, etc.
I would rather be remembered as a successful scientist, or a great writer, or a person who found the cure for Alzheimers Disease… rather than as Jonny’s or Lisa’s mother.
interesting blog. i am a single mother of two teenage children ( 16 & 14 years of age, living now in the usa ).
i grew up in a very bohemian household/ setting, in munich/ germany. my mother choose to have me in the late 60’s, to have a child without being married in conservative germany during the 60’s.
i grew up, with her, her friends, her bohemian and political beliefs. for us it was more important to educate yourself then to dress in the latest fashion trends.
in germany back then, we didn’t have the this class system, middle, lower etc classes. it was all about how you can manner your self in a public place aka fancy restaurants, regardless what the brand name of your jeans were, if you drove a beat up volkswagen or mercedes. there was no difference.
growing up with her is a loving memory, our weekends filled with doing crafts, drinking tea and having debates on life, beliefs and everything else under the sun. to travel, when we feel like it. going to france on a weekend trip.
which i later on continued, when i was around 16 – 19 years to just travel all around europe and north africa.
i’ve never thought i would have kids, i didn’t like them, thought they were annoying and just spoiled brats who run their parents by tirades of screaming and yelling in stores for candy til the mother gave in, to shut them up.
but then, life can change in a split second. meet my ex husband ( military ), longing for something i never really experienced, the picket fence dream of having a family. both of my children were not planned ( never use lifestyle condoms…)
but when i had them, yes took me a while to step off my selfish horse and become a mother. yes it took me a while with my firstborn to accept the fact, i am a mother now, this is my daughter, she is my responsibilty. i was afraid and scared on how we would make it, money was small. but when i look back these were the best times i had with my ex and my first born. we lived chaoticly, with artists roomates, who thought it was just cool to have a child and let het grow up in a bohemian setting as well.
things of course changed and now 16 years later, divorced and with 2 teenagers, life can be very testing. better yet life in the usa can be very testing.
the peer pressure ( regardless on how you raise your child ), there is a evil world out there, such as the other kids in HS, whom are my ‘ enemies ‘, from middle/ upperclass families, selling and using extacy drugs and more.
you can try your hardest and your child seems to be the parade kid, but you are not around your kid 24/7. there is a different world out there, waiting to interfere with your family and get into your childs life with drugs, gangs, things that you never thought will enter your kids life.
so far so good on my side, i have an insight on what is going on, simply because i have the ” street and intellectual ” in me who can/ must adjust to a teenagers life.
don’t get me wrong, i love my kids with all my heart – once they are up and gone to college i am going to cry my eyes out. but there are times, when you just want to throw in the towel and let them be. it is a daily struggle ( specially when a single mother, not from this country and living below community standard income )
but i am making it, somehow, somewhat.
it is not easy and i can truly understand the reason why some people do not want to have children. it is testing you, your lifestyle and your material setting in life.
but would i change it? nope. life is like sh.. sometimes, it angers me, makes me cry and it depresses me.
but when you have a 16 year old come up to you, hold you in her arms and understands and sets her own wishes back, so we can pay for some bills… that makes me realize, it was worth it.
Your life, your decision! i say do what you enjoy, and love life. Seems like you’re doing just that. If you ever felt the need to add to your menagerie, you could send money to a Save the Children organization.
TC –
I think you are incredibly brave to put your reasons for your choices out there. I am a mother raising five children but my dearest friend and her husband have chosen to live their lives child-free and I am constantly AMAZED at how much flack they get. Reading your commenters here, I see you get your share of it, too. I agree with Christine that it’s your decision and (believe it or not) I agree with Irina too. Our impact on this earth is a factor that shouldn’t be overlooked.
Thank you for being willing to have a conversation about an issue that is at once intensely personal and yet has such broader social implications. I like your style and am glad I found your blog. (By the way, I found you through NaBloPoMo (the Witchy Women Who Write Group) and I look forward to exploring your writing more.) Peace.
I’m so fascinated by this page and so glad you have it on your blog. I was actually asking myself that question when I read the about you page. I applaud you for your decision and know that I can’t make that decision for myself. I’m going to let fate decide if RA and all this other stuff I have will make it impossible. I’m okay with it if it isn’t a chance. Thanks!
Sasha
i’m with christine, too. it’s your life.
but what troubles me is that this issue is so divisive. it seems neither side can relate to the other and it ends up as two separate circles with everyone feeling out of place interacting and looking at the other viewpoint with disdain.
sad.
I really liked reading this post. I decided to be cf when I was 18 merely because I didn’t want to give birth, but now I have more valid reasons. Like you, I want to live life for myself. IMO our lives are the only things that we have, that no one else can take away (well if you live a developed country like the US and have free will of course). So I might as well live for myself and make myself happy, that means a cf lifestyle.
Also that guy Jason, why can’t people realize that we all have choices and that we’re not missing out. No one can say what we’re gonna or not gonna regret until we reach our deathbeds. I don’t want to go through the hardship of parenting, I think life is more easy and convenient that way and I don’t apologize for thinking and believing this way.
I still have my hardships and challenges, but they’re less without kids to worry about in the mix. Anyway I stay away from parents, even though like jason who wants to be fair don’t get it. I’m not going to have kids for jason or anyone else. My life is my own and that’s how I like it. End of story.
It never ceases to amaze me how people with children often think us childfree folks are missing out on something. Yes, we’re missing out on something, and we’re doing it ON PURPOSE! I’m with you…a full life of travel and adventure and doing what satisfies ME is the life worth living. And to suggest that people who don’t want children should have them despite their strong desires not to is one of the most foolish things I can imagine. Could someone who adamantly does not want to be a parent make a good parent?
Enjoy your adventurous life!
I don’t understand the legacy argument at all. I don’t care what happens after I die. I’ll be dead, non-existing. The whole world could explode for all I care. Won’t matter to me.
Having kids is a huge risk and potential lifestyle drain. You mostly hear the success stories; a rather large survivorship bias coupled with an inability to speak truthfully in public about parenting concerns. Layered over that is the biological programming to breed and then unconditionally accept your offspring once they come into existence.
Some people can have both children and a life, although they risk both in the process. I don’t want to jeopardize my lifestyle. I can’t afford to take any risks as my life is already great. I’d say I’m happier than 99% of the people I know. Why mess with a good thing?
I think the problem with your reasoning for living CF is that you automatically equate children with being spoiled, bratty and annoying. It seems you cannot justify your decision without insulting the choice of people who have had kids.I believe that not having children IS a valid choice and that not everyone should be parents.
Why not simply say that you are not patient, selfless and caring enough to raise a child; which is a much more honest and reasonable explanation than what you have provided above. I’m not saying that you don’t have these qualities, but that you don’t believe yourself to be capable of directing them towards a child who cannot communicate with you in adult terms. Clearly you love your husband and animals very much and care for them a great deal, I am not suggesting anything less.
You justify your lifestyle with materialistic needs and wants, rather than the obvious truth that you are not interested in children and would not be a good parent. We can’t all be good at everything, parenting is a skill that not everyone is blessed with. But really, not wanting to spend your money on someone other than yourself or your husband just makes you sound miserly, and I doubt that you would want to come across that way.
If you had better arguments than I prefer not to be chained down to a snotty nosed brat, people with children would probably be more empathetic to your perspective and not feel that you were passing judgment on their families.
I’m married without kids and if you haven’t already noticed I have not once suggested that you are missing out on something by not having kids or that your legacy to the world would be lacking. I think given your arguments, having a child would not be right for you. But I do think you are passing judgment on everyone else who does choose to have kids.
Try rethinking your reasoning; you don’t need to go on the attack to make a good defense.
I didn’t read that there was any judgement being passed here. If people want to have children, we have no opinion on that, nor should we have. It’s none of our beeswax. It’s funny how it never seems to work the other way around though.
I’m also CF by choice, and I used to make excuses for the inevitable nosy and snide questions that got directed at me. Not any more. Now they get the straight up – I DON’T LIKE children. I find them messy, whiny, demanding, incredibly irritating and downright tedious. So what? Some people don’t like dogs and some hate cats, but nobody sees the need to give them hell about that. I would walk over broken glass for a kitten or a puppy, but I couldn’t care less about babies. It’s just the way I am – or if you prefer, the way that God made me.
Society seems to insist that ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to parenting, and everyone MUST do it and WILL enjoy it. Bottom line – not true. Some people find fulfillment in parenting, and others find it in travelling, career, or community work. Do what makes you happy, and don’t apologise for it. If someone else has a problem with your choices – well, they have their life to live, and you have yours. Each to their own.
On the surface I’d make a great parent. Good career, own house, smart, sociable, just the sort of person who, I’m told, “should be having kids”. The only problem being, is that all kids deserve to be born to parents who want them – and I don’t want them. End of discussion, and no apologies. Deal with it as you wish…
I LOVED this post. Incidentally, I’m CF too, and plan to be for LIFE. In fact, I’m so dedicated, I started a website called…
http://www.WhyImNeverHavingKids.com
Feel free to stop by and read up on all the reasons I’ve posted as to why I’m NEVER having kids – so far, I’m at 71 and counting!
Be sure to tell your friends as well – or, better yet, post it up in a blog!
-Aaron
Jen said: “Why not simply say that you are not patient, selfless and caring enough to raise a child; which is a much more honest and reasonable explanation than what you have provided above.”
Gee, Jen, why don’t you be honest and tell us why you really DID choose to have kids. Maybe you needed the tax deduction or were deperate to trick somone into marrying you. Perhaps you felt it necessary to keep up with all of your friends so you wouldn’t feel left out as they were all having their babies and having play dates at Club Mom. Maybe you just needed someone to love you and take care of you when you are old. Better yet, maybe you come from royalty and felt it imperative to continue your bloodline. Perhaps you didn’t want to go out and find a paying job so this was your opt out plan. Who knows?
Do you see where I’m going with this? Assumptions are ugly and often we see people through the filter of our own experiences. Any time a parent tells you that they’ve always wanted to be a Mom/Dad, they want someone who looks like them or to carry on the family name they are really giving you their own ’selfish’ reasons: because parenthood and family life is something that they want because it makes them happy. Everyone is entitled to be 100% selfish when it comes to deciding what kind of life they want and they owe no apologies for it. That kind of selfishness is not a bad thing, it’s important. Has it occured to you that there really doesn’t NEED to be any reason at all for not wanting kids other than you just don’t want to? There doesn’t need to be any justification so really, any reason is good enough.