I’ve been thinking alot the last several days about everything. Here’s where I am right now…
Work has suddenly made life alot more complicated…er…interesting. Craig, who’s been promoted quite recently to supervisor of his department, is now in line for something else quite big. While we’re both really excited and happy, it’s also kind of stressful, and he’s required to do a bit of travel, as well as put in more time at the office. My own job has become a bit more demanding as well, as I’m training to be backup for someone in another department. Knowing this stuff that I’m being taught now is HUGE, as it will definately be to my advantage should opportunities arise. And it has been hinted to me that this could be the case at some point in the future.
I’ve been feeling extremely stressed the last few weeks, and it seems only to be escalating. I’m highstrung anyway, and a teensy bit OCD. It’s getting completely out of hand now with the stress. Lately, I’m worried about messing up at work, especially with all the new responsibilites I’m being given, and being ever the perfectionist, I know I’m just bringing it on myself, but I can’t seem to stop. It doesn’t matter that everyone thinks I’m great, and that I do an excellent job. It doesn’t matter that I know I’m too hard on myself-I beat myself up for even the slightest mistake. I’m completely Type A, and lately I feel as though I may just be courting a heart attack. I really need to destress and calm the hell down.
I’ve been a huge procrastinator about my writing for several years now. Oh, I’d write my poetry and short stories here and there when the mood struck, but I haven’t really written with any regularity, no matter how much I have longed to be “a published writer.” I’ve also tried keeping journals my whole life, thinking that would help improve my slack-y writing habits, and would start out with great intentions, but inevitably my best efforts would fall to the wayside as I would get frustrated or bored and quit. Prior to starting this blog, I had been very steadily writing in a journal every day at work-the first time ever that I had stuck to it for very long!! I decided to give it a shot here, and I have to say, blogging has totally helped improve my motivation to write. I feel like I’m falling in love with writing again, feeling like I did when I was in college, and that’s all I wanted to do. I know I could do great things, I just really need to apply myself.
A little less than a year ago, it was brought to my attention by Goddess that I needed to simplify my life, and everything in it. I needed to refocus my attention on those things that were really important and let everything else go. As for my Craft, I needed to let go of everything I had been taught by others and go back to my roots. I needed to go back to basics, I needed to simplify. Of course, being the procrastinator that I am, I didn’t jump on this particular wagon right away, I waited for Her to slap me around a bit with some really terrible dreams as well as some episodes of blunt asynchrony. Once I set things in motion, however, and began to simplify my life, everything began to fall in place once more. Life was once again good. I mention this because a few weeks ago I began taking a shamanism class taught by a couple I had known previously years before from our local community here. I was excited about socializing with other witches again, and it felt good to just be out there, but it was only a handful of days before I started having bad dreams, and feeling “off” about things, adding to the stress I was already experiencing from life in general. It’s been affecting my RA, and I’ve been having one flare after another. I “know” I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, and I “know” that Deity is not happy about it. I keep getting this image in my head of how I’m being “diluted” from my “essense” with each unnecessary project or issue I take on. I’m spreading myself too thin, and with the RA, there’s not much of “me” to spread. After alot of thought, and much back & forth on the subject, I’ve decided to not continue with class. Although I really enjoyed it, I know I need to focus on my health, my family & my home.
So. With all that said, where exactly does that leave me? Well, I think I need to start working on my stress level, first & foremost. I feel really not well. I’m going to focus on daily meditational & breathing exercises, as well as stretching & walking (which will be good for my RA too! yay!) Primarily, I think I need to focus on being healthy, remembering my most important priority is my family. I’m also going to continue to work on my writing and see where that goes. As far as my Craft, I’m going to continue on with my solitary practice, and focus on my own “way.”